Thursday, January 31, 2013

When Words Fail You

Words seem to have failed me in the last few months, especially when it comes to sharing my story. I've begun many a post but haven't been able to find the words to finish them, and I'm hoping that I can do so soon because there is so much that I would like to share with you all.

Tonight I had two general education classes, and I really enjoyed my History of Photography class, including our discussions about the practices surrounding death and funerals after viewing the Daguerreotype of a dead child. Then came my Great Philosophers class which I'm greatly enjoying so far, but tonight I couldn't wait to get out of there. It wasn't because I just wanted to go home and watch television, it was because I felt uncomfortable due to a conversation between a classmate and the professor at the beginning of class. The topic of this conversation? Me.

Now I could go on and tell you about how the whole thing went down, but I feel as though that would be a dishonest thing to do. It would be a dishonest thing to do because as I rode the bus home I was explaining how it happened to a friend over text message and I knew that my description of the events were not accurate because of how the situation made me feel. After the conversation had ended I felt the need to talk to this classmate, apologize to them for what I had done even though I didn't think I had done anything at all, to say something that would fix the situation, but words failed to come to me. I haven't gotten along with this classmate in the past and have felt they are disrespectful to my opinions in a way that makes me feel they believe they are superior because they have more general knowledge about things such as the library at Alexandria not being burned down by Cesear but instead by someone else who then became a saint for his actions. I had hoped that in a classroom where the discussion becomes solely based upon the opinions of the students everyone would be able to put aside previous encounters with others and start fresh. I guess sometimes we can't move past those first impressions of others.

I spent the remainder of the class somewhat distant from the conversation because of how uncomfortable I felt in the room, I didn't engage in eye contact with other students when they were speaking like I normally would. I still spoke, but it was only once or twice and overall I felt deflated. When time for the class ended I was more than ready to go even though the conversation was still flowing, and once I slowed I made a beeline for the door. As I left the professor asked me if I was alright and I simply told him that I needed to make my bus. I could have gone on about how I wasn't alright, how I was offended that a classmate felt it was okay to talk about me to the professor in front of my face and while making direct eye contact with me, but never speak a word to me about the situation, but I didn't. I simply left and let my frustration grow on my way home. I spent most of my ride thinking about what I should say to this classmate to let them know I didn't appreciate being talked about instead of to in a situation like this, but then I realized that whole conversation would be pointless because he's already made up his mind about me. So I'm going to let it go, when I wake up in the morning I may still be frustrated about what happened, but as the day unfolds I will let it all go. The frustration, the hurt, and the feeling of wanting to cry over something so dumb and trivial that it doesn't even matter, gone.

I realized that words can fail you in many ways, and tonight they failed me, but as I move forward I can begin to come up with the words, both to speak to others, and share my story.

Much love,

Anna and Bella